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Wise thoughts on everything:
1. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
2. Life is sexually transmitted.
3. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
4. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him a sandwich.
5. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
6. Some people are like Slinkys... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs...
7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing...
8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
13. You read about all these Terrorists most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of Immigration & Homeland Security.I google because I'm not young enough to know everything.
Nemo Mortalium Omnibus Horis Sapit
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She's single...
She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and to my house.
She knocked on my door...
I rushed to open it.
She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this
strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"
I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"
Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"I google because I'm not young enough to know everything.
Nemo Mortalium Omnibus Horis Sapit
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Guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.
"I think my "willy" is too small" he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
"Well, Lager" he replies quite bemused.
"Aaaahhh. There's your problem. It shrinks things those Lagers.
You should try drinking Guinness. It makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big
smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks
him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doc.
"No", replies the man "but I've got the wife on Lager!"I google because I'm not young enough to know everything.
Nemo Mortalium Omnibus Horis Sapit
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The Tourist:
A lone tourist in a small, out-of-the-way Western town drops in for a drink at a local bar.
Before he can take a sip, a man appears at the front door and yells, "Run for your lives! Big Jake is coming to town!"
Everybody makes a hasty exit and leaves the tourist alone.
At that moment the biggest man he has ever seen bangs through the door, walks up loudly to the bar, pounds on the bar and yells, "GIVE ME A DRINK!"
Since the bartender has gone, the tourist hands the big man his own drink which the giant swallows in a single gulp.
The tourist, shaking in his boots, nervously asks the man, "D-d- do y-you w-w-want another?"
The big man wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and replies, "Nope, gotta go. Haven't you heard? Big Jake is coming!"I google because I'm not young enough to know everything.
Nemo Mortalium Omnibus Horis Sapit
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Perks of reaching or being over 60
And heading towards
70 and beyond!
1.
Kidnappers are not very
Interested in you.
2.
In a hostage situation,
You are likely to be released first.
3.
No one expects you to run --
Anywhere.
4.
People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask,
'Did I wake you?'
5.
People no longer view you as a
Hypochondriac.
6.
There is nothing left
To learn the hard way.
7.
Things you buy now will
Never wear out.
8.
You can eat
Supper at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex
But not your glasses.
10.
You get into heated arguments
About pension plans.
11.
You no longer think of speed limits
As a challenge.
12.
You quit trying to hold
Your stomach in no matter who walks
Into the room.
13.
You sing along
With elevator music.
14.
Your eyes won't get
Much worse.
15.
Your investment in health insurance
Is finally beginning to pay off.
16.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
Than the national weather service.
17.
Your secrets are safe with your friends
Because they can't remember them either.
18.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to
A manageable size.
19.
You can't remember
Who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all
In big print
For your convenience.I google because I'm not young enough to know everything.
Nemo Mortalium Omnibus Horis Sapit
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The Pope had been diagnosed as having a potentially fatal testicular disease and after treatment he was told that he had to have sex with a woman to confirm that the treatment had been fully successful. He called all his Cardinals together and told them what he had to be done and they agreed it was necessary. The Pope said he would go ahead with it but insisted on four conditions. "Firstly", he said " the girl has to be blind so she cannot see it's the Holy Father and tell the whole world" "Secondly, she must be deaf so that she doesn't recognize the Holy Father's voice and tell the whole world" "Thirdly, as a precaution, she has to be dumb so she cannot tell the whole world anyway" At this point one of the Cardinals stood up and said " Leave it to me Holy Father, I know just the woman for you" As the Cardinal was about to leave the Pope said " wait a moment, I told you there are four conditions". He beckoned the Cardinal over and as the Cardinal bent down towards him, the Pope whispered in his ear ... "BIG BOOBS!".I google because I'm not young enough to know everything.
Nemo Mortalium Omnibus Horis Sapit
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